The Cocoa Puffs?
The Cookie Crisp?
The Trix?
The Apple Jacks?
The Alpha Bits?
I gotta get my fix.
There are so many tantalizing color shape taste medleys that it is hard to pick the best. What follows is our take on the best sugar cereals of all time, including a short discussion of why this is our opinion. As always we welcome your thoughts and suggestions for consideration on this esteemed list.
In our analysis we began by examining cereal structure. Are there multiple cereal components? What are the components made of, and how do they work together to bring you that intense sugar flavor? We discuss structure, design, and how long they hold their shape in 35 degree milk.
Second, we take a look at their mascot. What role do they plan in promoting the nutritionally deficient sugar bombs they represent? And more importantly, why do we love them?
Lastly, we examine the finish. How does the gourmet breakfast treat complete their break dance down your esophagus? What is the ending like on your palate?
Oh, and nutrition...yeah, this ain't about nutrition.
Our Top 3:
3.) Lucky Charms
How do you compete with a sugar buzzed leprechaun, and his big pot of multicolored marshmallows? Little bastard has kids and adults eating them out of his hand.
Lucky Charms has been around since 1963, and combines the puffed sugar marshmallow with frosted toasted oat cereal. It does not keep well in a bowl of milk, and leaves a pasty after taste. That said the sugar rush is bitchin (the crash is a little heavy).
The mascot, Lucky is a scary little critter. He's been serving up this nutritional nonsense for years. I'd love to be his agent, cause he's got General Mills by the balls. What, are they going to hire some donkey to represent the Lucky Charms? Hell no. Lucky isn't going anywhere, 'cause he does a good job of bringing in the buyers.
We love Lucky Charms because: half-cracked sugar-crazed mascot, multicolored cereal diversity for your mouth.
2.) Cap'n Crunch with the muthafuckin Crunch Berries...if you don't know you better aks somebody.
Cap'n Crunch in some way shape or form had to make the list. In all of its variations it is a classic. The original version was created in 1963 followed shortly thereafter by what cereal critics have called shear genius: the Crunch Berry. This bright reddish sphere brought a glimmer of berry to what was before merely a corn and oat centric cereal.
The tastes of the Crunch Berry and the Captain explode on your palate like a forbidden tango. Never meant to be, yet animalistically drawn together. The rush and the calm at the back of the throat provided by the Crunch Berry Cap'n blend, combined with deeply chilled milk make for quite a fine breakfast experience indeed.
Like the Lucky Charms these get a wee bit soggy after a short while of swimming in the white.
The Cap'n purists know the mascot is the Crunch Berry Beast, which I think is some pretty stupid shit. Keep the Cap'n on there, but give him a rockin multicolored suit to be wearin or something instead to show that the Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries is a fresh and funkified Cap'n. Because that is the kind of sugary breakfast cereal this is.
We love Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries because: berry/corn/oat taste harmony, the Cap'n is cool.
1.) Cocoa Puffs
This cereal has a mascot that openly admits to his foul addiction to this cocoa crusted breakfast delight. "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs," Sonny the mascot says twitching quite visibly from withdrawal. I wonder what his friends and family think of all this. It might be time for an intervention folks.
Although I have to admit I know the depths of where Sonny is coming from. They get you on the simple things. Fun little spheres, all brown, all the same density and texture, and every last one is loaded with cocoa flavoring (both natural and artificial). Effective, consistent, sugar delivery. It is simple and it works.
The sugar rush is quick, and you have to watch your intake. You can go from flying with the condors to crashing like a lead balloon in the course of a half an hour. Keep this one out of the reach of the little one's. No parent deserves what happens when little Suzy has inhaled a bowl of these things.
What I like best is that there is no nutritional facade. They don't try to hide their sugary draw. Cocoa Puffs is exactly what it says it is, balls of puffed chocolate covered grain cereal. Their delivery is quick and simple, and their spokesman is clearly addicted to the product. I admire that in a sugary breakfast cereal. Why wouldn't I buy this for my kids, and eat it for a late night snack of my own?
And so there it is Gonzo Guide Green Bay, shining for you like a beacon in aisle 12, our take on the best sugary cereals ever. Disagree, agree, make a suggestion?
Hi my name is Gomez Gonzo...and I too am cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
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Gomez Gonzo
Gonzo Editor -at-Large
Gomez@gonzoguidegreenbay.com
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